Oh love

Even if it's already 3  month  it's getting harder. I try to stay strong and when I'm with friends I almost always have a smile on my face ..I lost my mind .  .. like ... it' hard to explain... like I'm not alive..       .yeah,                                           Its hard to explain.....

   it's still hard to believe you know we had a distant relationship and I'm kinda still waiting for him, I'm stuck at this idea that we will live toghether soon, but it's only in my mind and it's what I wish for. again I'm stuck. I miss him more then I could put in words,  I need him more than someone could imagine, I need my love that cares so much about me, I need my friend, I miss him... I want to say so much things to him, I want to talk to him when I feel alone.

I'm waiting for you ... still waiting..

my life was sweeter than the clementines...

I remember exactly that day , the day when I took this photo

I remember how o felt inside at that very moment. 

He was still alive . I was in peace and full of joy 

It was a sunny day, before taking a nap ( I usually sleep after school )  I went to the kitchen to eat something and I took this clementines wile talking to him  (who knows me,  know I'm crazy for fruits) 

I was also listening to the music and looking at his photo ( the minipolaroid) and  I just put this things together thinking that those are things that makes me happy, as simple as that, those few little things, chating with M , our favorite music and his photo to make me feel him near,  my 2 passions : photography and fruits.

  it was enough to make me happy, to make me feel rich

For real  I was ectremely happy inside, so happy, so so very happy worlds can't even describe but

you know that feelings when your that happy that you talk to a voice inside you.

 I was saying  " wow I'm really blessed he is mine and I'm living the time of my life happily " 

this is how I felt.

Now I'm not at peace until I'm asleep. cause when I sleep I do not feel  but waking up always brings the misery of being without him

Everything is different now

Don't you know you inspire me, you're a flower and i'm a bee.. i need you

  my love, I already talked about it ( go to link) he wanted to become a photographer I will fulfill his dream (I will try) 

I always was obsesed and I kept posting everyday on my facebook, flickr ...etc now I'm not posting anymore cause you know since I met him everything I did and post was for him, I wanted to share everything with him, waiting till he will comment or like it. now everything just dont make sense. nothing make sense.

I will try and start posting again our memories, my photos, my daily occupation, what inspire me , things we wanted to do. I know he would love me to do this, cause he always told me he can't wait till I'll post something new and interesting. So... I don't know..... hm

....................................................... I said nothing make sense, even what im saying do not make sense......

drunk ps. I love you

my everlasting love

I did't post for a while, but i just wanted to write about my little project I made in honor of my love M. 

This friday I'm going to show my project to my class.   

It will be so hard........

It's abviously about our love story but not only, it's also about how amazing are his family and how amazing person mark was and how much he impact my life and not only mine, 

 it's also about death, we don’t usually think about death, and when we do, it’s usually associated with old relatives, or maybe a younger one that died from cancer. Hardly ever do we think about our belovedm, about family member or about our friends dying, and like I already said before my goal is to make everyone I can and everyone I know to not take everything for granted  and to do/say things they want till its not too late.

 let everyone you love how much you care and how much you love them.

Usually we are too busy to complain about bullshits, that we simply don't realize how happy we are in a particular situation, in a particular place, with a particular person.

Cherish every second, because you never know when it may be your last.

 (song he dedicated to me once) yes, it was love.... cantbelieve....

PS. I.LOVE.YOU

I want no world, you are my world, my true

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart 

i am never without it, anywhere i go you go,

 my dear , and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

The pictured is blurred, but i can still see you smiling.

I cry cause I know he is never coming back.

I'm isolated from the world, I almost do not talk to anyone, after school I just lay in my moms bed whathing tv  and remembering how happy we were and crying, cause everything I see remind me of him  and I want to share all the things I see with him and I cry again , I cry cause I know he is never coming back. 

I do not feel alive.

Have a lot of insane thought in my mind.

Always thinking I would rather lose someone else than HIM, cause I know with him I could pass through it, with him next to me there's no darkness I can't overcome, he made the confusion go all away from this cold and mixed-up world, only in his arms is where I felt most alive.

Just now I really realise that besides being the perfect man, he was my only friend cause when I talked to him about something, I felt how much he cares, it felt like he lived that  situation with me, like my worries was his worries and my happiness was his happiness.

(train to Venice December 10, 2011)

Every day looking at all the photos, seeing his beautiful smile and beautiful eyes, 

his little perfect nose and his funny eyebrows.

 I keep asking  myself  REALLY?  I will never see him in front of me? I will never be able to do dayly lover things with him? Like give him kisses, laught with him, share and talk about stupid things and  that I will never ever be able to pinch and then kiss his pretty nose and most of all I will never be able to talk to him and live the life we wanted? 

Things just simple as these but at the same time so essential, these things that gave me daily joy 

 he was my joy.

I loved every little thing about him , he was my world  and now I just feel like I can't do this thing called life without him here with me

                                                           (train to Venice December 10, 2011)

For me he was more than someone could imagine,  you can see how much love was between two of us only from seeing our photos and videos now imagine this multiplied a thousand times.

Later on in my destiny I saw myself having his child, I saw myself being his wife and I saw my whole future in 

his eyes.

Words don't ever seem to come out right.

I'm so miserable without him, and everyday is a torture, I dont want someone else in my life, just wanna go to him ,now nothing scares me anymore.............................

let it be

We have always wanted to get tattooed a tattoo that says the same thing ... but we didn't have chance

Now we have one that says the same thing (just in diferent places)

The photo in the background taken by my love M on the top of the castle ( Verona) our first and last sunset together

 I love you baby

Hero in my sky.

       
    (listen while reading)

   The real great man is the man who makes other man feel great.

He made me feel that I'm something special (and from all the beautiful things people that love him said , i can also say he made everyone feel special in some way) 

He also made me believe  that if I want something i can make it, that im not a fool. 

I'm so grateful he was a part of my life (he is still a part of my life but now in my heart forever) he taught me a lot of things and showed me what the real happines is and  what are the true values of life.

Time flies, it's been a month, but feels like only yesterday was the time of our lives. There is no combination of words I could say about how much I miss him and need him in my life, how I wish he was here with me even if over the ocean, cause even if miles and miles away he was here on the same planet with me.

I have nothing to say anymore, I just can't take my mind off of him

ps. I love you

My life with you was an adventure. Can you picture it, baby life we could have lived!

one of our 14 days

waking up early but not going to school (cause I did't want to miss a hour to stay with him)   just waking up to show my mom that I'm going to school and as soon as she leaves for work running back  in my room into my babys arms to kiss and lay next to him. Obviosly he told me I need to go to school cause he don't want my mamma to get mad but then we just start kissing and laughing and forget about time about school and everything, we just wanted to be toghether. 

In the morning we often had breakfast at the bar "Vittorini" below my apartment.

 He liked it so much (its my favorite bar to have breakfast, I brought him in almost  all my favorite places in Verona I think) I remember he always said " Let's have pasticcino with a cappuccino"

(a short video on youtube)

After having breakfast we used to come back home and prepare ourselves to go somewhere else, city cente, to meet my friends or  to Venice and Florence. Everyday was an adventure and the love that  grows more with each passing day. 

Here is a photo from last film i developed 

Look how beautiful he is, we were at my  favorite chinese restautant (that become his favorite too) mmm shrimp our favorite, we had a perfect dinner, we laughed and kissed a lot, he kept looking in my eyes telling me how much he loves me and that he is the luckyest guy. I felt so special , he made me feel so special every day (ah, i was the luckiest girl )

You made the confusion go all away

I had a very bad dream last night , he was in that dream too.

I was in a room , I was happy and there were my friend and her boyfriend. I called mark on skype from my phone , he answered and I heard noises,  people screaming , it was like he was at a concert. He was so happy too and for the first thing he told me was that he loves me and I said I love him too.   (still in my dream)  I realized whats happened to him . I started crying and running, then I got out and picked my moped and start driving , but I wasn't able to drive everything was so dark that i couldn't see a thing only a light from moped, it was terrible, I was so scared I couldn't control myself, I was ready to fall but then in the midle of the street I saw someone, I was so close to invest that someone in black cloak, I did't saw the face only the back cause that someone  was only illuminated by my moped lights.

(I tried to draw it but it don't look so much like the one from my dream)

 Then I woke up with an unusual breathing 

( you know how in dreams everything seems so real, obviously I cant make you feel and see wha I felt by writing )

I started crying and was so scared and I needed him to confort me like he always did

I miss him so much, I cannot do this thing called life without him here with me

holding me, kissing me ,loving me and keeping me safe.

I miss/need this little but for me so big things

now i can't stop crying. Baby i love you

"The Black Keys" ..bettertogether

                                                        

  Today I bought tickets of our favorite band "The Black Keys"

We have always wanted to go to the concert together and I already loved them  but he made me love them even more ( now they are my favorite, like i said in my last post "Things that did not  interested you  before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you" ).

 Even if not with his body, his spirit will be with me. 

This is the saddest thing......

Misery I need your touch. I love you.             

He loved this cover too.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

You were serenity, You took away the bad days

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. 

You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. 
You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. 
When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. 
They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.
 Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. 
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. 
You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.  

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.  Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. 
Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. 
A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face.
 In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. 

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. 

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. 
You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

  You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. BM



I had it all and it was taken from me. One love, one heart, one destiny

awesoming my ears

Staring at the wall and awesoming my ears

his voice 

and 

Black Keys/Pablo Blaqk/Lana del Rey/Jack Johnson/Billie Holiday  

looking through our photos everyday , going to places we were together

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall i'm shattered in pieces now

cause I remember how we used to touch the sky

MISS YOU MY BELOVED

Every day was an adventure

Verona, Italy December 17, 2011

Sono il disperato, la voce senza eco...colui che tutto ebbe, colui che tutto perse

35mm

i miss this

I MISS SKYPING

and messages like these

all i really need is you to comfort me.

my love is yours, your love is mine

 im now thinking why? why you? what we had was so beautiful. i want you to kiss me one more time hold my hand one more time  but all i have is your photographs

All my friends tell me I should move on.I'm lying in the ocean singing your song. 

Loving you forever can't be wrong.Even though you're not here, wont move on.

And theres no remedy for memory.Your face is like a melody.It won't leave my head.Your soul is haunting me and telling that everything is fine,but I wish i was dead

Every time I close my eyes,It's like a dark paradise.

No one compares to you.I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

All my friends ask me why I stay strong.Tell em when you find true love it lives on.Thats why I stay here

Every time I close my eyes.It's like a dark paradise

No one compares to you.But there's no you except in my dreams tonight

 I don't wanna wake up from this tonightI don't wanna wake up from this tonight

 There's no relief, I see you in my sleep.And everybody's rushing but i can feel you touching me

There's no release, I feel you in my dreams.Telling me I'm fine

I don't wanna wake up from this tonigh

Looking for comfort and peace.

I woke up this morning and i said  i need to stop crying my eyes out. it will be so hard i can't deny,
but i thought i will better start doing things we wanted to do cause only there i will find comfort.

as you can see iwillfindconforttroughtphotography

http://500px.com/madinamad

your words I need to hear that always get me through the day. I miss you

 there is nothing that could make me smile nothing besides seeing stuff like this. seeing his pretty face

I love you M

you have no idea how i miss talking to him, i miss him. it.hurts.so.bad

I was so used to wake up and get message from him. He was always in my mind and i mean it... HE REALLY WAS ALWAYS IN MY MIND.
After school I remember one day  while climbing the stairs  (and like always already trying to connect my phone with the wifi from my apartment to see if he is online) I was climbing with a giant step on those stairs being the happiest girl alive ... I was so impatient to talk to him.    suddenly find myself on the floor above mine.  I just start smiling because it really looked so ridiculous/funny, i thought " oh mark what you do to me "
 I can't explain what he does to me. Forget butterflies, he gave me pterodactyls.
Once i was home checking facebook messages I always found a sweet message he wrote me while i was at school, that made my days every day.
I used to watch simpsons after school  cause M wasnt always online because of the timezone....... The simpson,my favorite cartoon that  sometimes  gave me happy tears when homer says sweet phrases to marge it made me get teary eyes cause all the times i pictured me and my love M living toghether and beeing a family.

I remember when i told him that i sometimes cry while watching simpson he was like " oh really?you are the sweetest thing baby i never heard this before haha "  (when he came to visit me he brought me this >>>>DUFF  )

     im now doing the same things but everything is different now. im not happy to come home, i have no one to be impatient to talk to , no one is waiting me, no one care the way he did, the only thing that doesnt change is he is always in my mind,always in my mind just in different way. 

 i know all this are just  little things but they mean so much to me because everything he made, gave to me was made with love, from him.

listening now

 

Well this is my second post, i dont really know what to say Im starting this blog so i can share with everyone the love we had/still have in our heatrs now and forever. Im not really sure if this blog is a right thing to do ( i mean tell everyone my feelings) it just came to my mind and im just doing it.I'm not a good writer at all (expecially in english)  but I will  try I will just write what i feel ....

My goal is  to remind you to apreciate every moments in your life and to let everyone you love how much you love them. Because you never know how life can turn and you might  be late. I also want you to stop complaining everyday  about your life and to think how really happy and how beautiful life is, just think about it..   .... life is beautiful when you have someone to love and most of all to have someone who loves you the best they can.


 Most of the times i thought my life sucks and i was an idiot , only now  I realized my life was picture perfect (because of you my love M) till that day, till march 14.
  
My boyfriend went to haven on Wednesday, March 14, 2012. My heart is bleeding , it's broken, everything and everyone around me is different now, i feel like the world is a bad place without him . I feel so empty inside............
i have tears   .... and i think i will stop writing for now.

M&M   

 This blog is about the love that made me the happiest i ever been. and about one thing that destroyed me.