Even if it's already 3 month it's getting harder. I try to stay strong and when I'm with friends I almost always have a smile on my face ..I lost my mind . .. like ... it' hard to explain... like I'm not alive.. .yeah, Its hard to explain.....
it's still hard to believe you know we had a distant relationship and I'm kinda still waiting for him, I'm stuck at this idea that we will live toghether soon, but it's only in my mind and it's what I wish for. again I'm stuck. I miss him more then I could put in words, I need him more than someone could imagine, I need my love that cares so much about me, I need my friend, I miss him... I want to say so much things to him, I want to talk to him when I feel alone.
I remember exactly that day , the day when I took this photo
I remember how o felt inside at that very moment.
He was still alive .I was in peace and full of joy
It was a sunny day, before taking a nap ( I usually sleep after school ) I went to the kitchen to eat something and I took this clementines wile talking to him (who knows me, know I'm crazy for fruits)
I was also listening to the music and looking at his photo ( the minipolaroid) and I just put this things together thinking that those are things that makes me happy, as simple as that, those few little things, chating with M , our favorite music and his photo to make me feel him near, my 2 passions : photography and fruits.
it was enough to make me happy, to make me feel rich
For real I was ectremely happy inside, so happy, so so very happy worlds can't even describe but
you know that feelings when your that happy that you talk to a voice inside you.
I was saying " wow I'm really blessed he is mine and I'm living the time of my life happily "
this is how I felt.
Now I'm not at peace until I'm asleep. cause when I sleep I do not feel but waking up always brings the misery of being without him
my love, I already talked about it ( go to link) he wanted to become a photographer I will fulfill his dream (I will try)
I always was obsesed and I kept posting everyday on my facebook, flickr ...etc now I'm not posting anymore cause you know since I met him everything I did and post was for him, I wanted to share everything with him, waiting till he will comment or like it. now everything just dont make sense. nothing make sense.
I will try and start posting again our memories, my photos, my daily occupation, what inspire me , things we wanted to do. I know he would love me to do this, cause he always told me he can't wait till I'll post something new and interesting. So... I don't know..... hm
....................................................... I said nothing make sense, even what im saying do not make sense......
I did't post for a while, but i just wanted to write about my little project I made in honor of my love M.
This friday I'm going to show my project to my class.
It will be so hard........
It's abviously about our love story but not only, it's also about how amazing are his family and how amazing person mark was and how much he impact my life and not only mine,
it's also about death, we don’t usually think about death, and when we do, it’s usually associated with old relatives, or maybe a younger one that died from cancer. Hardly ever do we think about our belovedm, about family member or about our friends dying, and like I already said before my goal is to make everyone I can and everyone I know to not take everything for granted and to do/say things they want till its not too late.
let everyone you love how much you care and how much you love them.
Usually we are too busy to complain about bullshits, that we simply don't realize how happy we are in a particular situation, in a particular place, with a particular person.
Cherish every second, because you never know when it may be your last.
(song he dedicated to me once) yes, it was love.... cantbelieve....
I'm isolated from the world, I almost do not talk to anyone, after school I just lay in my moms bed whathing tv and remembering how happy we were and crying, cause everything I see remind me of him and I want to share all the things I see with him and I cry again , I cry cause I know he is never coming back.
I do not feel alive.
Have a lot of insane thought in my mind.
Always thinking I would rather lose someone else than HIM, cause I know with him I could pass through it, with him next to me there's no darkness I can't overcome, he made the confusion go all away from this cold and mixed-up world, only in his arms is where I felt most alive.
Just now I really realise that besides being the perfect man, he was my only friend cause when I talked to him about something, I felt how much he cares, it felt like he lived that situation with me, like my worries was his worries and my happiness was his happiness.
(train to Venice December 10, 2011)
Every day looking at all the photos, seeing his beautiful smile and beautiful eyes,
his little perfect nose and his funny eyebrows.
I keep asking myself REALLY? I will never see him in front of me? I will never be able to do dayly lover things with him? Like give him kisses, laught with him, share and talk about stupid things and that I will never ever be able to pinch and then kiss his pretty nose and most of all I will never be able to talk to him and live the life we wanted?
Things just simple as these but at the same time so essential, these things that gave me daily joy
he was my joy.
I loved every little thing about him , he was my world and now I just feel like I can't do this thing called life without him here with me
(train to Venice December 10, 2011)
For me he was more than someone could imagine, you can see how much love was between two of us only from seeing our photos and videos now imagine this multiplied a thousand times.
Later on in my destiny I saw myself having his child, I saw myself being his wife and I saw my whole future in
his eyes.
Words don't ever seem to come out right.
I'm so miserable without him, and everyday is a torture, I dont want someone else in my life, just wanna go to him ,now nothing scares me anymore.............................
